Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

Siri: Retweet me.

WHO DID THIS?

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Terribly Tuesday.

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.