Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

“OMGJK” -atheists

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work