My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!