My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
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The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean