Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

My friend is an excellent librarian.

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

💻🤡

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*