My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Awwwww shit.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Don’t we all.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
