Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

New mindset, who dis?

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart