My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
idk flipping houses looks really hard