Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.