My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
uh oh
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I’ve had relationships like this
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.