Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
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[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Hit me in the face with a bird
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]