My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Finally, a door that understands me
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Why is everyone getting married at me
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I know this now 😂
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
