My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Canada has crack?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
what does he know…
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better