My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
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I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
what?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*