My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs