My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”