My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut