My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
You Might Also Like
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.