Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

ㅤ

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

If only

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful