Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.