My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
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I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here