Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.