Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat