My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
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I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Truth
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.