My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
🖤✌🏽
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything