My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
somebody come look at this
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.