My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.