My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer