My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
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– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich