My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
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Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
❤️❤️❤️
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.