My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
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I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Yeah. This was me today.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.