My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Cause of death: Zumba
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.