My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.