My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Stop sending me this shit.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.