Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

ㅤ

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.