Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.