My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
cats when you pet them too long:
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic