Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

Pro tip for my good boys out there

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Please vote for people who are attractive

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.