Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Cry smarter, not harder.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”