Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t talk my ride’s here

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you