My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
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I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.