My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀