My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
You Might Also Like
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom