Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Mad Max Arctic Road

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals