Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

I can’t stop laughing at this

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

what’s the point then??

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*