My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Name another movie that mislead you?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..