Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

This is not me but this is me

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.