My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.