Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Why am I like this?

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet