Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Vodka burrito was a success

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.