Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me