My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR