My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Me when I’m ovulating
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!