My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
fourth time’s the charm
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog