My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
You Might Also Like
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
what’s really going on
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.