My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.