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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Holy shit he’s back
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?