My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
