My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
a lot to unpack here
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
