My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
RT if you could go either way.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
