My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
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Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
😆this is so true
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
#dnd #ttrpg
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs