My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
You Might Also Like
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.