My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
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Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass