My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
happy valentine’s day to me
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Bike for sale
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags