@SolelyB

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

You Might Also Like

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

@joci2203

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

@david8hughes

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????

“OMG HOW”

???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????

@IamJackBoot

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

@KenJennings

DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON

@iamburtjarvis

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

@murrman5

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

@Tylerosis

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?