My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
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KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
A huge thanks to the person that did this