My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
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SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.