Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

😬

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

I stand by it

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?