Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

Put the is in disheveled

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes