My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

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1. Put on clown shoes.
2. Sit in toilet stall with feet pulled up.
3. Wait for someone to enter other stall.
4. Slowly lower feet to floor


Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you


ME: so basically it’s like the batsignal except it’s the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap


i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it



thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit

me: Bitey loves kids doe


My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.


All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer


Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!


Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”