@MaryJustice86

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

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@rolldiggity

1. Put on clown shoes.
2. Sit in toilet stall with feet pulled up.
3. Wait for someone to enter other stall.
4. Slowly lower feet to floor

@ArfMeasures

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

@hippieswordfish

ME: so basically it’s like the batsignal except it’s the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap

@hamersauce

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

@eyeswidebutt

me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’

thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit

me: Bitey loves kids doe

@UncleDuke1969

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

@AnOrangeSNES

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

@Reverend_Scott

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

@jellybnbonanza

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”