1. Put on clown shoes.
2. Sit in toilet stall with feet pulled up.
3. Wait for someone to enter other stall.
4. Slowly lower feet to floor
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
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Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
ME: You guys are here, right?
ME: so basically it’s like the batsignal except it’s the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’
thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit
me: Bitey loves kids doe
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”