My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
😲 WTF? 😆
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”